Well, it turns out that it doesn’t have to be one

OR the other. You really can have a satisfying relationship with your money.

Doesn’t it seem as if EVERYONE struggles with money?

I’ve spent the last 10 years trying to figure out why and, finally, there is an anwer!

If you have ever heard yourself say any of the negative Money Script phrases above, I hope you will join me for perhaps the most important, intensive workshop you will ever take.

This program is not about budgeting or investing…it IS about creating a money mindset that reduces stress, improves confidence and creates true and lasting wealth.

Money is essential to our day-to-day survival, but why is it THE most painfully charged issues in our lives. Whether you fear never having enough, or you struggle with managing what you have (or don’t have), now is the time to get the tools you need to build a great life with your money.

Space is limited to 10 seats.

Secure your spot today!

We’ll meet May 13, 6-9pm & May 14, 9am-4pm.

Near Eastern Market, Washington, DC

Email me or call 866.821.9386 to receive your registration form with  your pre-work exercises and directions.

Tuition includes 10 hours of instruction,learning materials and light snacks.

Singles – $425  10% discount for cash  ($383)

Couples – $725 10% discount for cash  ($653)

The 10% discount will apply paid registrations received before April 30.

If you need accommodation in the area, I can steer you to, or away from, the local options..

Couples who have taken this workshop will be eligible for an extension seminar focusing on communications, connectedness and conflict resolution.

Join us and find freedom from financial strife!

You can either forward this entire email, or download a pdf to print and share via your social networks.

Please!

As you have probably heard me say before, nothing gives me greater joy than seeing that AHA moment, and witnessing the relief and optimism that comes when a client breaks through a limitation that has plagued them for ages. YOU can foster that change in about 30 seconds!

If you have any questions about how to share or describe my work, please be in touch.

It’s really quite easy!

click here to get a pdf of this card, and thank you for passing it on!

Join us for an evening of mingling and singling over party, board and card games at Labyrinth’s Valentine’s Game Night.

Sunday, 13 February 2011

5:30-9:30pm

Tickets are just $10 and space is limited!

Purchase tickets before Wednesday, 9 February, at Labyrinth Games & Puzzles at 645 Pennsylvania Av SE, Washington, DC. (less than half a block west of the Eastern Market Metro-blue&orange line.) Get directions here. Street parking is available.

or, email Kathleen@labyrinthgameshop.com

or, call them at 202.544.1059 to snag your spot.

This is going to be a blast! Kathleen is providing awesome games and snacks, while I will be running some mixer games and will be available to talk about successfully navigating ‘the games people play in love!

Please forward news of this event to gamer guys and gals (especially the gals) and fans of fun!

The truth is, you might be!

Miscommunication can send you down a long and dusty road

We make assumptions all the time about how others see the world. Sometimes we take for granted that their world view is the same as ours. Sometimes, we even use vague communication to create

the wedge of ‘differentness’ to keep people at a safe distance. That one is usually unconscious, and can be a huge block to intimacy and belonging. More often than not, we resist saying what we really mean because we want to avoid conflict.

What’s that about?

Behavior scientists call these bad habits of communication, The Abilene Paradox. It’s based on a parable by Dr. Jerry B. Harvey about a family who take a trip to some pretty frustrating places, simply because no one was willing to say what they really meant.

After the disastrous, 104 mile journey one person sarcastically snorted, “It was a great trip wasn’t it.” To which the others replied:

• To tell the truth, I really didn’t enjoy it much. I wouldn’t have gone at all if you hadn’t pressured me into it.
• I didn’t pressure you. I was happy here. I only went because you all wanted to go.
• You were the ones who wanted to go. I just wanted to make you happy.
• I never wanted to go to Abilene. I just thought you might be bored sitting at home with the rest of us.

I’ve seen this kind of buried meaning crop up in nearly every relationship I have observed. In fact, I would be amazed if you didn’t recognize at least one of those comments as something you have said.

What is the solution?

• Identify the common communication tools that consistently cause aggravation,
• Recognize that they are habits of thought that can be changed,
• Then do what it takes to change them!

To be honest, it’s really tough to uncover your verbal tools on your own. Look for instances where you say ‘always, never, I knew it, you people, I always say, you just don’t understand.’

(I love how Stephen Covey says in 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, “You don’t understand” actually means “You aren’t doing what I want you to do.” )

If you’d like some help figuring out how your communication is getting skewed, give me a call. (866.821.9386, or drop me an email)

Helping you get what you want, through what you say, is my specialty!

I hope you are staying cozy during this challenging winter, and I would love to hear from you!

Sharee Lawler, of the Hill is Home blog, did a really nice story about my pet coaching business back in February. As we chatted, a few phrases such as penguin wrangler and 3.742 miles, piqued her interest.

A couple of weeks ago, she rang again with a request for another interview to learn how my experience on The Great Peace March for Global Nuclear Disarmament shaped my life and my work as a life coach and counselor. Now, I am ALWAYS glad to talk about the March, but I was especially eager to chat with Sharee. I knew that her sensitivity and talent would create something lovely out of the thousands of stories and very strong emotions that fateful journey bring up in me.

The resulting post is even better than I could have imagined.

When people ask me about it in the future, I may just point them to that link. I sincerely hope you enjoy it.

We had a LOT of meetings!

If you would ever like to have a cup of tea and hear more about what it was like to see this amazing country of ours, one step at a time, drop me a line. The stories are heart-warming and hair-raising.

It was a classic Hero’s Journey, that made you feel like you lived a week in every single day. But I won’t kid you. Those of us who worked to move an entire city, over every kind of terrain you can imagine, loved what we did…AND…we ended up describing the effort using a slight variation on that famous, old Army motto:

It’s not just an adventure, it’s a JOB!

I hope to never work that hard, or have that much responsibility, ever again.

At the same time, I DO hope to be that committed and that willful in everything I do.

The March taught me what it means to be me…free from the restrictions of emotional limitation and pessimism.

Of course, we are all shaped by our experiences, of course. And, believe it or not, walking across America isn’t even the most dramatic of mine. But, I know in my bones that letting go of who I was and giving in to the March experience, helped me to develop the tenacity and empathy that  drive my work now.

Because of it, I know with great certainty that no matter where you are, geographically or emotionally, you CAN move. You ARE free to choose how you feel in any given moment. And I am as honored to guide you on YOUR journey as I was to clear the path for my beloved March family.

If you need help getting from here to wherever your ‘there’ is, I’d love to help. And I won’t even make you pitch a tent!

My personal Mt. Everest…the fear I have had the most difficulty managing is…needles.

So, in celebration of my 50th birthday (the 18th), I’m doing something that will seem like nothing to most people, but it is hands down the thing most requiring courage on my part. Ever. And this is saying something.

I am giving blood.

Up until now, I could never have imagined volunteering to take this step. My lifelong, clinical phobia of needles is one of the last bastions of fear in my life. It goes far beyond ‘not liking’ shots, all the way into completely irrational responses.

But now, I am putting into place the tools that any of us (yes, this means YOU) can use to overcome, manage or even come to peace with fear. Get the tools below.

1. Get in touch with what you really feel about the object of your fear

It took some work, but I was eventually able to identify a belief that submitting to medical procedures involving needles made me feel as though something was being forcibly taken from me, and that I was powerless to control my reactions. I discovered that the fear isn’t so much about the lifeless needle, which can’t actually hurt me, but the outcome. That understanding really helped me to shift my perspective to the thing I really CAN do something about.

You can face your fears, one step at a time

2. Understand that even irrational fears, those that you can’t ‘think’ your way through, can be managed

A big part of this tool is changing the ways in which you judge yourself for the fear. In other words, you don’t have to feel bad about feeling bad!

3. Look at what the fear costs you

Does it make sense to carry a burden that drains your energy and limits your ability to enjoy your life? What has your fear caused you to miss? Don’t regret it…but decide to make whatever change is required.

I used to joke that my needle phobia was a good thing because it ensured that I would never be a ‘junkie.’ While that may be true, it DID cost me by making every medical experience of my life more traumatic than it needed to be. And, more than anything, it cost me my pride.

4. Identify the story you tell yourself about your fear and change it

This tool is especially true for object-oriented fears, like bridges, spiders and, well…needles.

Once you understand what your story does for you, you can rewrite the script that has locked the belief in place.

I’m shifting my story from what has been taken from me to what I choose to give.  There is great power in that, don’t you think?

5. Get support

It is liberating to speak your fear out loud. The more honest about it you are with yourself and others, the less power it can have over you. The light of understanding and the warmth of acceptance can heal many, many things.

I am SO blessed, that when I told people about my plan to face my needle fear, dear friends stepped up in ways I could not have imagined. Marilyn Adams, of Capitol Hill Acupuncture, gave me a special treatment to balance my body. Jay Keegan, of Monkey’s Uncle, volunteered to go with me to the blood drive and shared his vast experience as a donor. People far and wide have sent me good wishes.

Being open has turned a stressful thing into a great gift.

6. Choose tools to give you courage

Music, affirmations, meditation, distraction, all of these can help you get through a difficult time.

Tomorrow, I’m taking a picture of my dog…for whom I would do anything…I’ll be wearing comfortable clothes that remind me of people who care about me…and I’m reminding myself that I can do ANYTHING for 20 minutes!

One of my clients’ favorite tools is a thought replacement phrase: “If you are not actually on FIRE, you are probably okay in any given moment.”  Believe me, I’ll be saying that to myself a lot tomorrow morning!

7. See it. Be it.

Ask yourself, what would it be like if this was totally okay? And then really use your imagination. Think deeply about it. What do you WANT your life without the fear to look like.

If you really can’t imagine being without the fear, look at the lives of others who live without it. How do they cope? Claim it. Repeat the image in you mind more often then you are willing to dwell on the fear, and soon, one will replace the other!

He’s a dedicated sharer of the funny and this one made me laugh out loud.

Having come from a non-technical age, I’m surprised how may of these apply directly to me. How about you?

You Know You Are Living In 2010 when…

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you…

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don’t have e-mail addresses or Facebook accounts.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen, even the chia pet.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn’t have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You’re reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn’t a #9 on this list.

AND NOW U- R  LAUGHING AT YOURSELF

At least we are all in it together!

A toleration is anything that gets in the way of your very best life. If it drains you, wears you out, dances on your last nerve or makes you sad over and over again, it’s a toleration. Use this 5 step plan to eliminate it!

1) Join me in being ‘compassionately intolerant’ of your discomforts and disasters.

Understand that we are all doing the best we can at any given moment, but you have an opportunity, right now, to compassionately let go of what doesn’t work. If you are putting up with, or sometimes creating, obstacles on your path to satisfaction, the only time you have to eliminate them is RIGHT NOW. Remember, ‘then’ is not your friend. You can’t fix what happened back then and putting off your happiness for if/then to be happy, just isn’t going to work. It isn’t okay to be in dismay as a regular thing!

2) Discover what brings you down…and what it actually does for you.

Where ever your energy flows, your life goes. If you are staring at your troubles more than you are looking forward to achieving your goals, that’s an imbalance that needs to be rectified. But first, figure out what you are getting from your struggles. Is fear of failure, or worse, fear of success making your tolerations too attractive? Do what it takes to make satisfaction feel safer than sadness does.

It may feel like it, but you are not actually trapped by anything in your life!

Learn more after the jump.

3) Be true to your values.

Too often, we give up our values in exchange for situations that we think we SHOULD have in our lives. Unfortunately, if you aren’t clear about what drives your choices, it’s difficult to make the best ones. Don’t tolerate being confused about who you are.

4) Throw good money after bad tolerations.

If you are seeing the same problems over and over again: career dissatisfaction, a broken down environment, a messy work space, a closet full of clothes that don’t fit and don’t feel good on you, unresolved relationships/debts/promises, that door handle that makes entering a room a bother…or anything else that makes you groan.

5) If you don’t have a list of tolerations to tackle, think deeply and listen to your Life Script.

What do you say over and over again about your life? To get clarity, it may take an outside observer to help you notice and evaluate those habits. Turns out, I’m really, really good at helping with that. Give me a call!

Spring is the perfect time to eliminate tolerations. Make a commitment, right now, to eliminate even ONE. If you are fearful, start small. If you are ready, tackle the biggest, more draining bother. You’ll be relieved and glad that you did.

If you can look at your entire life, up until now, as rich with the experiences and information that led you to the perfect opportunity to feel how you want to feel, you are half way there!

Today, let’s look at one of the greatest tools every happy person has in their toolkit…Forgiveness.

I love that this symbol for forgiveness looks like a person with a lot on his mind, but who still chooses to be happy.

You might reject the idea of forgiving ‘those who have trespassed against you.’ Or, you might simply not know what it means to really forgive someone, or to be forgiven. That’s pretty common.

We hear a lot about forgiveness, starting in early childhood, but few people are ever taught HOW.

I learned a long time ago that, when offered a choice, ‘a confused mind says NO.” So, let me clear up some confusion about forgiveness.

To forgive, we do not have to say that whatever happened was okay. In fact, before we can forgive, we need to allow ourselves to really feel the pain of the experience. If we don’t fully acknowledge our hurts, we will continue to carry them subconsciously and they will drain our energy.

In The Intelligent Heart, David & Bruce McArthur say:

Many people are afraid to forgive because they feel they must remember the wrong or they will not learn from it. The opposite is true. Through forgiveness, the wrong is released from its emotional stranglehold on us so that we can learn from it. Through the power and intelligence of the heart, the release of forgiveness brings expanded intelligence to work with the situation more effectively.

The blessing is that when we’re really ready to experience our pain and we open to it, it usually fades away. By honoring our pain, we release it. You will know that you have succeeded when you let go of expectations that the other person will apologize or change.

Don’t worry about whether or not others will finally understand you. That may, or may not happen. But the need to be completely understood by someone else is something we can forgive ourselves for. Being understood doesn’t make you safer. Being happy and confident does.

Forgiveness is in your hands...and yours alone

Even if the people in your life live in negative energy, you can be around them without getting caught up in the habits of complaining, judging and seeing the glass as bone dry.

Find out how, after the jump…

Just imagine what your life can be with all the extra energy you will have when you aren’t spending it on grudges, resentments and disappointments! That is the gift you give yourself by forgiving others.

Remember, the first step is the Up Until Now tool. Whenever you find yourself caught up in old, negative patterns, reconfirm you commitment to your own happiness by accepting that Up Until Now does not predict, From This Point Forward. A fresh start is completely your choice.

Next, keep in mind that “Resentment is like drinking poison and then waiting for the other guy to die.”

Health professionals will tell you that stress, which is a by-product of non-forgiveness, can kill you. Don’t let whatever has happened in your life hurt you anymore!

Then, make a list of the energy draining disappointments you drag around with you and, one by one, go through the process of forgiving and releasing them. BE WARNED: Simply saying, “Okay, whatever, I forgive this,’ is not enough.

Forgiveness is a process, not just a saying.

Let me know if I can help you with that.

If you’ve had success with the forgiveness process in you life, share with us what it has meant to you in the comments below.

Today, a dear friend…a good friend…a unique friend…has died.

He has been such a stalwart part of the couple that I have loved more than my own parents…for more than 22 years…I can’t imagine what my life will be like without him.

Two of the most important people in the world, Niki and Gordon.

I know Gordon because, in 1986, I walked from Los Angeles to Washington DC with a group of passionate people championing a cause. It was an amazing experience and, at the end of it, I was overcome with an illness that knocked me off my feet. I recuperated in Gordon’s house, lovingly tended by his wonderful wife Niki. The two of them took me into their hearts and cared for this sickly stranger with the deepest kindness I’d ever known.

Almost two years later, I called Niki from California to talk about my post-divorce life. She wasn’t home. Gordon asked me how I was and, after my brief description…totally out of the blue…he boomed, “Well, you ARE coming to live with us, aren’t you?” It was as if becoming a part of their family was a forgone conclusion.

Six months after that, I crossed the country again, to join the home of Les Heures. That’s what the welcome mat said…French for, “The Laughing Ones.”

And boy did we ever. We laughed. We cried. We tussled over philosophy and choices. We LIVED, and I was safer than I had ever been in my life.

Gordon had a pure, scientific mind. He loved nature, sang in the church choir, was a dab hand at bridge, and read exhaustively. He was responsible for me acquiring my very first library card.

We were incredibly different and he never pretended to understand me. But he was there for me, come what may. More than anything, he was Niki’s husband and champion. He loved her, in his own way, so much that she could be available to those who needed her…I was definitely NOT the only one.

The original idea was that I would live with Niki and Gordon for 6 months. I stayed with them for 7 and half years. We just worked that well together.

They have been with me, on my side and in my corner through every major event of my life. Believe me, there have been some doozies that I would not have navigated half as successfully, if it weren’t for my faithful, caring ’surrogate parents.’

Gordon was 97, and not feeling well at all, but the last time I saw him, he gave me the same strong hug I remember from his younger days. I described it like being hugged by an oak tree. He was so solid. So…himself…so THERE.

In wishing Gordon godspeed, I want to say to him “Tak for Alt.” It’s a phrase I saw on many gravestones when I lived briefly in Denmark.

Mark Nielson PhD, explains it like this:

“In daily conversation Danes do not use the phrase “Tak for alt.” As one Dane; put it, “Those are pretty big words.” While the literal translation is “Thanks for everything,” the meaning is greater. A more accurate translation is “with deep and profound gratitude for the bounty and fullness of life.”

Thank you Gordon. Thank you for everything.