The truth is, you might be!

Miscommunication can send you down a long and dusty road

We make assumptions all the time about how others see the world. Sometimes we take for granted that their world view is the same as ours. Sometimes, we even use vague communication to create

the wedge of ‘differentness’ to keep people at a safe distance. That one is usually unconscious, and can be a huge block to intimacy and belonging. More often than not, we resist saying what we really mean because we want to avoid conflict.

What’s that about?

Behavior scientists call these bad habits of communication, The Abilene Paradox. It’s based on a parable by Dr. Jerry B. Harvey about a family who take a trip to some pretty frustrating places, simply because no one was willing to say what they really meant.

After the disastrous, 104 mile journey one person sarcastically snorted, “It was a great trip wasn’t it.” To which the others replied:

• To tell the truth, I really didn’t enjoy it much. I wouldn’t have gone at all if you hadn’t pressured me into it.
• I didn’t pressure you. I was happy here. I only went because you all wanted to go.
• You were the ones who wanted to go. I just wanted to make you happy.
• I never wanted to go to Abilene. I just thought you might be bored sitting at home with the rest of us.

I’ve seen this kind of buried meaning crop up in nearly every relationship I have observed. In fact, I would be amazed if you didn’t recognize at least one of those comments as something you have said.

What is the solution?

• Identify the common communication tools that consistently cause aggravation,
• Recognize that they are habits of thought that can be changed,
• Then do what it takes to change them!

To be honest, it’s really tough to uncover your verbal tools on your own. Look for instances where you say ‘always, never, I knew it, you people, I always say, you just don’t understand.’

(I love how Stephen Covey says in 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, “You don’t understand” actually means “You aren’t doing what I want you to do.” )

If you’d like some help figuring out how your communication is getting skewed, give me a call. (866.821.9386, or drop me an email)

Helping you get what you want, through what you say, is my specialty!

I hope you are staying cozy during this challenging winter, and I would love to hear from you!

A toleration is anything that gets in the way of your very best life. If it drains you, wears you out, dances on your last nerve or makes you sad over and over again, it’s a toleration. Use this 5 step plan to eliminate it!

1) Join me in being ‘compassionately intolerant’ of your discomforts and disasters.

Understand that we are all doing the best we can at any given moment, but you have an opportunity, right now, to compassionately let go of what doesn’t work. If you are putting up with, or sometimes creating, obstacles on your path to satisfaction, the only time you have to eliminate them is RIGHT NOW. Remember, ‘then’ is not your friend. You can’t fix what happened back then and putting off your happiness for if/then to be happy, just isn’t going to work. It isn’t okay to be in dismay as a regular thing!

2) Discover what brings you down…and what it actually does for you.

Where ever your energy flows, your life goes. If you are staring at your troubles more than you are looking forward to achieving your goals, that’s an imbalance that needs to be rectified. But first, figure out what you are getting from your struggles. Is fear of failure, or worse, fear of success making your tolerations too attractive? Do what it takes to make satisfaction feel safer than sadness does.

It may feel like it, but you are not actually trapped by anything in your life!

Learn more after the jump.

3) Be true to your values.

Too often, we give up our values in exchange for situations that we think we SHOULD have in our lives. Unfortunately, if you aren’t clear about what drives your choices, it’s difficult to make the best ones. Don’t tolerate being confused about who you are.

4) Throw good money after bad tolerations.

If you are seeing the same problems over and over again: career dissatisfaction, a broken down environment, a messy work space, a closet full of clothes that don’t fit and don’t feel good on you, unresolved relationships/debts/promises, that door handle that makes entering a room a bother…or anything else that makes you groan.

5) If you don’t have a list of tolerations to tackle, think deeply and listen to your Life Script.

What do you say over and over again about your life? To get clarity, it may take an outside observer to help you notice and evaluate those habits. Turns out, I’m really, really good at helping with that. Give me a call!

Spring is the perfect time to eliminate tolerations. Make a commitment, right now, to eliminate even ONE. If you are fearful, start small. If you are ready, tackle the biggest, more draining bother. You’ll be relieved and glad that you did.

To honor Dr. King, lift your voice, even if it is only in the car/shower and raise your heart in tribute to “Abraham, Martin and John.”

My favorite line in the song is, “Didn’t you love the things that they stood for. Didn’t they try to find some good for you and me.”

What moves me most about Dr. King, Lincoln, JFK and others, (I’d add, RFK, Paul Wellstone, Mitch Schneider, Nelson Mandela, Desmond Tutu…even Oprah) is not that they fit some perfect model of virtue or selflessness. Let’s face it, they don’t.

What each of these humans have done is face their fears, raise their voices and to live their lives consciously.

Goodness knows, Rosa Parks didn’t plan to become an icon. She said,”In fact if I had let myself think too deeply about what might happen to me I might have gotten off the bus.”

Just think about the moments in your own life when you faced a fear (or simply ignored one) and lived fully in that moment.

People ask me why I walked across America. How could I give up 9 months of my life and comfort like that? (See more on that story here) Each time, I say the same thing I will bet most of the people who took that journey with me would say…and the same thing Dr. King might have said about why he devoted his life to freedom, and authenticity.

At the risk of very bad grammar, I couldn’t NOT do it.

Now, my personal commitment was nothing in comparison to the sacrifices Dr. King and so many other heroes of reason and wisdom have made. But I don’t think each of us needs to be a legend in order to make the world a better place.

You can do it, this minute, by simply adding to the sum total of human happiness.

Tell me. What does your Life Script, your mission, your potential, compel you to do?

If you don’t know what your mission is, email me and I’ll help you identify it. If you think you don’t have one, think again. You are living it, right now. Are you happy with that?

If not, try this quick tool to get started on learning what you mission really is:

Think of a virtue that is meaningful to you. Check this  list of possibilities adapted from Virtue Science.

I’d add my personal favorite: compassionate intolerance.

Now, choose two that really resonate for you. Imagine that your name has been replaced with each virtue. For instance, I’d be perfectly happy to be named Honor, or Authenticity. (Frankly, I’m surprised some rock star mom hasn’t chosen that last one.)

Once you are comfortable with the virtue, endeavor to live it every day…even when the odds seem stacked against you…even when your dream seems more ‘pipe’ than achievable…even when your feet are sore. In this way, you will be living your mission, much like “Abraham, Martin and John.”

It’s that time again. When folks make promises to themselves about what they are going to improve in the new year.

They generally do so with grim determination and self-criticism. Have you  ever met anyone joyful about their resolutions? I can’t say that I have. (except for myself, of course!)

Why do you think the average resolution lasts for roughly 3.7 weeks?

Can you see the problem with these resolutions? Read on!

Is it because the average resolution-maker is a weak-willed, failure?
Here’s a hint — NO IT’S NOT! Like any life decision that is based on external expectations, resolutions usually go by the wayside because  they are not supported by a strong foundation of understanding, or a  coherent plan of action.

It’s all fine and good to vow that you will quit swearing, to make friends with the gym, or that you will “be nicer.”
What I want to know is…HOW?

There are very specific reasons why you have your current, limiting habits of thought and behavior. On some  level, they work for you. Not in the ‘gee, I’d like more of this’ way, but in the ‘this is familiar and, frankly I  don’t know how to do it differently’ way. Those reasons are subconscious and tend to stick much harder than  good intentions.

Do you know why your habits work for you, or how to shift them to get the outcomes you desire? I’m going to have to guess that the answer is no, or you’d have done it already!

Forget about “I’ve tried and nothing has worked!” That just means whatever method you used was not right for  you. And frankly, simply thinking about the problem is useless. Keep exploring different options!

First, let’s acknowledge that getting to this point in your life is a major accomplishment and, in many ways, it  speaks to how strong and resourceful you are. It takes a great deal of energy to hold onto habits that hurt you!
Just think how drained you feel getting the same old result.

Second, resolve that you will develop a clear understanding of what you actually want. This is the greatest  mystery for most people. Which is pretty sad considering, as you know, if you don’t have a map, it’s tough to get anywhere. If you keep doing what you’ve done, you will stay exactly where you are.

Third, do yourself a favor, make sure that your plan is positive, measurable and specific. Without these elements, the change you desire is unlikely to work. Discover ways to enjoy accomplishing your goals.

If you need help figuring out how to design an engaging and encouraging plan that really works, give me a call for a consultation. And lastly, promise me that you will spend more time appreciating what is great about yourself and your life…and that you will do what it takes to make it even better.

Start right now by leaving a comment with a commitment for just one, Positive, Measurable and Specific change you are excited to make in 2010. You just might find yourself in a future post!

Think for a moment about something that is really stuck in your craw.

Hold that thought, and then ask yourself what I’m sure will seem like a silly question…

How do you feel about washing dishes?

Do you get to it right away and clear up the mess so you can start fresh with the next meal?Do you leave the dishes so that they get sticky, crusty and a pain to get clean?

Do you use the excuse of ‘soaking’ to put off getting the job done?

Believe it or not, your approach to dish washing may be a clue to how you deal with conflict resolution.

My grandmother taught me a great lesson. Washing dishes…and especially, pots…while they are hot and fresh, takes much less effort, less water and a lot less time. Not to mention the bonus of having things clean and in order when you want to enjoy your next meal.

Letting old resentments stay ‘stuck’ gets in the way of your happiness just like an unwashed pot. In fact, if you don’t clean that pot properly over time, it can actually poison you, right?

Don’t let unfinished business poison your present.

Even more, importantly, don’t add to the current pile of pains by adding one more!

First, imagine what it would be like if you really, truly resolved your day-to-day issues so that you always have a clean slate to work from.

Then, for contrast, remember what it is like to wade through gross, stuck-on resentments and anxiety.

See yourself washing away the old, unfinished business…I can coach you through that painless process…and then make sure that you address each new issue while it is fresh. That means resolving things in the best possible moment, which is usually NOW.

Trust me, the five minutes of discomfort it takes to get clarity and clear up an issue in real time is much more satisfying than having to scrub and scrub away at a baked-on bother.

Roll up your sleeves, grab that mental scrub brush and enjoy a good wash up. It will make life so much cleaner and easier!