Have you ever found yourself either mystified or frustrated when what you say gets interpreted in ways that make it seem as if you are speaking an unrecognizable language?

The truth is, you might be!

Miscommunication can send you down a long and dusty road

We make assumptions all the time about how others see the world. Sometimes we take for granted that their world view is the same as ours. Sometimes, we even use vague communication to create

the wedge of ‘differentness’ to keep people at a safe distance. That one is usually unconscious, and can be a huge block to intimacy and belonging. More often than not, we resist saying what we really mean because we want to avoid conflict.

What’s that about?

Behavior scientists call these bad habits of communication, The Abilene Paradox. It’s based on a parable by Dr. Jerry B. Harvey about a family who take a trip to some pretty frustrating places, simply because no one was willing to say what they really meant.

After the disastrous, 104 mile journey one person sarcastically snorted, “It was a great trip wasn’t it.” To which the others replied:

• To tell the truth, I really didn’t enjoy it much. I wouldn’t have gone at all if you hadn’t pressured me into it.
• I didn’t pressure you. I was happy here. I only went because you all wanted to go.
• You were the ones who wanted to go. I just wanted to make you happy.
• I never wanted to go to Abilene. I just thought you might be bored sitting at home with the rest of us.

I’ve seen this kind of buried meaning crop up in nearly every relationship I have observed. In fact, I would be amazed if you didn’t recognize at least one of those comments as something you have said.

What is the solution?

• Identify the common communication tools that consistently cause aggravation,
• Recognize that they are habits of thought that can be changed,
• Then do what it takes to change them!

To be honest, it’s really tough to uncover your verbal tools on your own. Look for instances where you say ‘always, never, I knew it, you people, I always say, you just don’t understand.’

(I love how Stephen Covey says in 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, “You don’t understand” actually means “You aren’t doing what I want you to do.” )

If you’d like some help figuring out how your communication is getting skewed, give me a call. (866.821.9386, or drop me an email)

Helping you get what you want, through what you say, is my specialty!

I hope you are staying cozy during this challenging winter, and I would love to hear from you!

Chances are very good that the things that bug ya, are more than just life’s little bumps. They are TOLERATIONS, the things you willingly, or unwittingly, allow yourself to put up with.

A toleration is anything that gets in the way of your very best life. If it drains you, wears you out, dances on your last nerve or makes you sad over and over again, it’s a toleration. Use this 5 step plan to eliminate it!

1) Join me in being ‘compassionately intolerant’ of your discomforts and disasters.

Understand that we are all doing the best we can at any given moment, but you have an opportunity, right now, to compassionately let go of what doesn’t work. If you are putting up with, or sometimes creating, obstacles on your path to satisfaction, the only time you have to eliminate them is RIGHT NOW. Remember, ‘then’ is not your friend. You can’t fix what happened back then and putting off your happiness for if/then to be happy, just isn’t going to work. It isn’t okay to be in dismay as a regular thing!

2) Discover what brings you down…and what it actually does for you.

Where ever your energy flows, your life goes. If you are staring at your troubles more than you are looking forward to achieving your goals, that’s an imbalance that needs to be rectified. But first, figure out what you are getting from your struggles. Is fear of failure, or worse, fear of success making your tolerations too attractive? Do what it takes to make satisfaction feel safer than sadness does.

It may feel like it, but you are not actually trapped by anything in your life!

Learn more after the jump.

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I linked a lovely tribute to MLK in yesterday’s blog post, but I like Marvin Gaye’s version even better. Of course, Dion’s original is the one I sing every year on this day.

To honor Dr. King, lift your voice, even if it is only in the car/shower and raise your heart in tribute to “Abraham, Martin and John.”

My favorite line in the song is, “Didn’t you love the things that they stood for. Didn’t they try to find some good for you and me.”

What moves me most about Dr. King, Lincoln, JFK and others, (I’d add, RFK, Paul Wellstone, Mitch Schneider, Nelson Mandela, Desmond Tutu…even Oprah) is not that they fit some perfect model of virtue or selflessness. Let’s face it, they don’t.

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(Here is the pdf article this post is based on, if you’d like a hard copy.)

It’s that time again. When folks make promises to themselves about what they are going to improve in the new year.

They generally do so with grim determination and self-criticism. Have you  ever met anyone joyful about their resolutions? I can’t say that I have. (except for myself, of course!)

Why do you think the average resolution lasts for roughly 3.7 weeks?

Can you see the problem with these resolutions? Read on!

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One of the things I see a lot in the troubles my clients experience is stuck, stubborn, seemingly insurmountable, resentment. You know, the stuff that bubbles just under the surface, waiting to blow up into something bigger than it needs to be.

Think for a moment about something that is really stuck in your craw.

Hold that thought, and then ask yourself what I’m sure will seem like a silly question…

How do you feel about washing dishes?

Do you get to it right away and clear up the mess so you can start fresh with the next meal?Do you leave the dishes so that they get sticky, crusty and a pain to get clean?

Do you use the excuse of ‘soaking’ to put off getting the job done?

Believe it or not, your approach to dish washing may be a clue to how you deal with conflict resolution.

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