Well, it turns out that it doesn’t have to be one

OR the other. You really can have a satisfying relationship with your money.

Doesn’t it seem as if EVERYONE struggles with money?

I’ve spent the last 10 years trying to figure out why and, finally, there is an anwer!

If you have ever heard yourself say any of the negative Money Script phrases above, I hope you will join me for perhaps the most important, intensive workshop you will ever take.

This program is not about budgeting or investing…it IS about creating a money mindset that reduces stress, improves confidence and creates true and lasting wealth.

Money is essential to our day-to-day survival, but why is it THE most painfully charged issues in our lives. Whether you fear never having enough, or you struggle with managing what you have (or don’t have), now is the time to get the tools you need to build a great life with your money.

Space is limited to 10 seats.

Secure your spot today!

We’ll meet May 13, 6-9pm & May 14, 9am-4pm.

Near Eastern Market, Washington, DC

Email me or call 866.821.9386 to receive your registration form with  your pre-work exercises and directions.

Tuition includes 10 hours of instruction,learning materials and light snacks.

Singles – $425  10% discount for cash  ($383)

Couples – $725 10% discount for cash  ($653)

The 10% discount will apply paid registrations received before April 30.

If you need accommodation in the area, I can steer you to, or away from, the local options..

Couples who have taken this workshop will be eligible for an extension seminar focusing on communications, connectedness and conflict resolution.

Join us and find freedom from financial strife!

Join us for an evening of mingling and singling over party, board and card games at Labyrinth’s Valentine’s Game Night.

Sunday, 13 February 2011

5:30-9:30pm

Tickets are just $10 and space is limited!

Purchase tickets before Wednesday, 9 February, at Labyrinth Games & Puzzles at 645 Pennsylvania Av SE, Washington, DC. (less than half a block west of the Eastern Market Metro-blue&orange line.) Get directions here. Street parking is available.

or, email Kathleen@labyrinthgameshop.com

or, call them at 202.544.1059 to snag your spot.

This is going to be a blast! Kathleen is providing awesome games and snacks, while I will be running some mixer games and will be available to talk about successfully navigating ‘the games people play in love!

Please forward news of this event to gamer guys and gals (especially the gals) and fans of fun!

My personal Mt. Everest…the fear I have had the most difficulty managing is…needles.

So, in celebration of my 50th birthday (the 18th), I’m doing something that will seem like nothing to most people, but it is hands down the thing most requiring courage on my part. Ever. And this is saying something.

I am giving blood.

Up until now, I could never have imagined volunteering to take this step. My lifelong, clinical phobia of needles is one of the last bastions of fear in my life. It goes far beyond ‘not liking’ shots, all the way into completely irrational responses.

But now, I am putting into place the tools that any of us (yes, this means YOU) can use to overcome, manage or even come to peace with fear. Get the tools below.

1. Get in touch with what you really feel about the object of your fear

It took some work, but I was eventually able to identify a belief that submitting to medical procedures involving needles made me feel as though something was being forcibly taken from me, and that I was powerless to control my reactions. I discovered that the fear isn’t so much about the lifeless needle, which can’t actually hurt me, but the outcome. That understanding really helped me to shift my perspective to the thing I really CAN do something about.

You can face your fears, one step at a time

2. Understand that even irrational fears, those that you can’t ‘think’ your way through, can be managed

A big part of this tool is changing the ways in which you judge yourself for the fear. In other words, you don’t have to feel bad about feeling bad!

3. Look at what the fear costs you

Does it make sense to carry a burden that drains your energy and limits your ability to enjoy your life? What has your fear caused you to miss? Don’t regret it…but decide to make whatever change is required.

I used to joke that my needle phobia was a good thing because it ensured that I would never be a ‘junkie.’ While that may be true, it DID cost me by making every medical experience of my life more traumatic than it needed to be. And, more than anything, it cost me my pride.

4. Identify the story you tell yourself about your fear and change it

This tool is especially true for object-oriented fears, like bridges, spiders and, well…needles.

Once you understand what your story does for you, you can rewrite the script that has locked the belief in place.

I’m shifting my story from what has been taken from me to what I choose to give.  There is great power in that, don’t you think?

5. Get support

It is liberating to speak your fear out loud. The more honest about it you are with yourself and others, the less power it can have over you. The light of understanding and the warmth of acceptance can heal many, many things.

I am SO blessed, that when I told people about my plan to face my needle fear, dear friends stepped up in ways I could not have imagined. Marilyn Adams, of Capitol Hill Acupuncture, gave me a special treatment to balance my body. Jay Keegan, of Monkey’s Uncle, volunteered to go with me to the blood drive and shared his vast experience as a donor. People far and wide have sent me good wishes.

Being open has turned a stressful thing into a great gift.

6. Choose tools to give you courage

Music, affirmations, meditation, distraction, all of these can help you get through a difficult time.

Tomorrow, I’m taking a picture of my dog…for whom I would do anything…I’ll be wearing comfortable clothes that remind me of people who care about me…and I’m reminding myself that I can do ANYTHING for 20 minutes!

One of my clients’ favorite tools is a thought replacement phrase: “If you are not actually on FIRE, you are probably okay in any given moment.”  Believe me, I’ll be saying that to myself a lot tomorrow morning!

7. See it. Be it.

Ask yourself, what would it be like if this was totally okay? And then really use your imagination. Think deeply about it. What do you WANT your life without the fear to look like.

If you really can’t imagine being without the fear, look at the lives of others who live without it. How do they cope? Claim it. Repeat the image in you mind more often then you are willing to dwell on the fear, and soon, one will replace the other!

A toleration is anything that gets in the way of your very best life. If it drains you, wears you out, dances on your last nerve or makes you sad over and over again, it’s a toleration. Use this 5 step plan to eliminate it!

1) Join me in being ‘compassionately intolerant’ of your discomforts and disasters.

Understand that we are all doing the best we can at any given moment, but you have an opportunity, right now, to compassionately let go of what doesn’t work. If you are putting up with, or sometimes creating, obstacles on your path to satisfaction, the only time you have to eliminate them is RIGHT NOW. Remember, ‘then’ is not your friend. You can’t fix what happened back then and putting off your happiness for if/then to be happy, just isn’t going to work. It isn’t okay to be in dismay as a regular thing!

2) Discover what brings you down…and what it actually does for you.

Where ever your energy flows, your life goes. If you are staring at your troubles more than you are looking forward to achieving your goals, that’s an imbalance that needs to be rectified. But first, figure out what you are getting from your struggles. Is fear of failure, or worse, fear of success making your tolerations too attractive? Do what it takes to make satisfaction feel safer than sadness does.

It may feel like it, but you are not actually trapped by anything in your life!

Learn more after the jump.

3) Be true to your values.

Too often, we give up our values in exchange for situations that we think we SHOULD have in our lives. Unfortunately, if you aren’t clear about what drives your choices, it’s difficult to make the best ones. Don’t tolerate being confused about who you are.

4) Throw good money after bad tolerations.

If you are seeing the same problems over and over again: career dissatisfaction, a broken down environment, a messy work space, a closet full of clothes that don’t fit and don’t feel good on you, unresolved relationships/debts/promises, that door handle that makes entering a room a bother…or anything else that makes you groan.

5) If you don’t have a list of tolerations to tackle, think deeply and listen to your Life Script.

What do you say over and over again about your life? To get clarity, it may take an outside observer to help you notice and evaluate those habits. Turns out, I’m really, really good at helping with that. Give me a call!

Spring is the perfect time to eliminate tolerations. Make a commitment, right now, to eliminate even ONE. If you are fearful, start small. If you are ready, tackle the biggest, more draining bother. You’ll be relieved and glad that you did.

If you aren’t all aglow from spending a satisfying Valentine’s Day yesterday, you are definitely not alone.

Here is how I know; many years before becoming a life coach and counselor, I was a florist.

You might think I would have fond memories of Valentine’s Day, considering that it is the second highest profit day of the year for that industry and, after all, everybody loves love, right?

I only WISH I had fond memories.

I just remember feeling terribly sad for people who felt like they had to behave in ways that did not feel good to them. Their real hearts were not made of shiny red paper, chocolate or jewelry and their hearts just weren’t in it.

But, February 15 was much, much worse. Customers would run in with angry, anxious faces and guilty minds, demanding the impossible. They HAD to have dozens of perfect, long stem red roses, immediately! No other flower would do, because those loathsome roses ‘meant’ love.

Each of them had a story about how they had forgotten the holiday, or somehow underperformed to their partner’s expectations.

There is more about broken hearts and happy endings after the jump.

They said that they were desperate to make up for these failings, but it felt like all they were doing was vainly attempting to cover up what was really going on in their relationships.

Forgetting? This, I never understood. To be honest, I am ashamed to admit that I am the worst birthday keeper I know. No matter how much I care about my loved ones, those dates just don’t stick in my mind. But a corporate holiday like Valentine’s Day? Who could forget it when the paper hearts and chubby cherub decorations go up in the grocery stores and gas stations somewhere around January 5th of each year?

And the commercials! Every retail company, from deodorant makers to tire manufacturers, puts a “If you were a decent, loving person you’d buy this” spin on their advertising. The messages are everywhere! No one can escape that onslaught of expectation.

Now, not wanting to participate? That I could understand.

I felt especially bad for the under-performers. The one’s whose partners weren’t happy with their tokens of love.

Not knowing how to satisfy your partner’s wants and needs usually stems from a lack of information and/or, a lack of interest. Both of these have fairly simple solutions, but it takes courage to find them.

Most importantly, it takes the will to figure out what YOU really want and being willing to communicate that in a way that others can understand. Too many of us have the expectation that anyone who cares for you should just intuitively know what makes you happy. That demand is as doomed to disappointment, as it is unfair.

Were you taught how to be romantic in the real world?

Probably not. We get most of our information about loving, and being loved, from the music, movies & tv, novels, and past experiences…many of which weren’t all that healthy or happy.

In fact, I’m going to bet that you have a Life Script about love, wanting and receiving that, more often than not, left you anxious and disappointed.

Would you be interested in learning how to be satisfied with your love and to be a satisfying partner? Do you believe that you can?

It’s entirely possible, regardless of your status…married (happily or unhappily), coupled, single (happily or unhappily) or searching.

You can learn how to make February 14th, and every other day, Nurtured And Glad Day.

Let’s be clear though, you must WANT to be happy to make this work. You have to be open to doing things differently and to receiving more than you can currently imagine.

Saying, “I’ll know it when I see it,” will not work. You must see it before you can know it.

In my next few posts, we’ll talk about figuring out what you really want, versus what you have been told you should want. You just might be amazed.

In the meanwhile, tell us about your best, or worst, Valentine’s Day below.

That is perfectly natural. And, by ‘natural’, I mean a part of nature that is almost unavoidable.

It’s dark and cold out there! (Even if you don’t live in the North or East, weather has been pretty crazy lately.)

By definition, everything moves more slowly in winter. And, if humans had more sense, we’d be a bit more like your furry friends and have planned to do less during the dark months.

Are you less busy or obligated right now? I’m not!

We are all just struggling against nature and slogging through a downward cycle. In fact, U.K. psychologist, Cliff Arnall, developed a mathematical calculation that suggests the third week of the year is the saddest time of the year. In the chilly, not-so-fun, aftermath of the holidays, how could it be anything but?

So, what can we do about it? Try the 9 great tips following the jump.

The trick is to take special care of yourself. Here are the best ways to stay healthy and happy over the next couple of months. (If you have a number 10, please tell us in the comments.)

Keep moving to keep moving

The more you exercise, the better you will feel. As an extra, added bonus, you’ll be warmer. A Jacuzzi can be a nice, immediate reward for a good workout at the gym and entering the spring months without extra pounds is even better.

Eat a healthy diet

Avoid ‘white’ carbs (white rice, potatoes, pasta) and stock up on dark foods (leafy greens, root vegetables, sweet potatoes and brown rice). Your digestion will thank you and you will avoid those deadly carbo-crashes.

Stay hydrated

Drink plenty of water. Just as in warm weather, dehydration brought on by low humidity, building heat and stress can make you more tired and ill-feeling than anything else. Drink a little more water than you think you want. Try a small splash of fruit juice, or chilled herb teas to make water more appealing. (I LOVE Celestial Seasonings Cinnamon Apple Spice for this.)

Catch more than 40 winks

Wanting to nap during dreary days is not necessarily a sign of depression. It’s a natural response to the dark. Rather than watching the third football game on a Sunday, or spending those two extra hours on the Internet, take a nap. Then do some stretches and a couple of jumping jacks to get your blood moving again.
Avoid alcohol

Oddly enough, we think alcohol makes us ‘happy’, when it is actually a depressant. Holiday parties inspire us to imbibe more than usual and it can be difficult to cut back amid the holiday letdown. When in doubt, eliminate drinking anything but healthy beverages and then check your mood.

Take advantage of every scrap of sun available

You NEED sun for vitamin D and vitality. Get all that you can. I’ve taken to joining my dog on the floor when a nice sunbeam floods my living room window. It really is comforting. When there is no sunbeam, visit a dog park or skating rink to be inspired by pooches and people who know how to enjoy the cold.

Find ways to stay organized

Nothing brings me down even lower than a home or office that is as difficult to navigate as the rain and snow.

Toss junk mail in the bin before you even bring it in the house.

Wash dishes before they can pile up. I bought a dish brush with on-board dish washing liquid at Hill’s Kitchen, which makes clean up an easy swish! (Plus, I feel warm inside for supporting a local, much loved, business. Double bonus!)

Consider a less cluttered bed that can be made more easily. I use a European style flannel duvet cover and, like my friends across the Pond, skip the top sheet. Not only am I warmer, more comfortable and less stressed with bunched up sheets, but making the bed involves nothing more than a flick of the wrist.

Get creative with organizing and you’ll be less stressed and more focused while you slog toward May flowers.

Surround yourself with supportive people

Band together to beat the blues. Find an uplifting activity, watch a funny movie, play hilarious games (Charades, Pictionary), challenging word games, or chess, to keep your mind active. If you must, let yourself b**ch about how down you are for the first 10 minutes and then find a fun solution.

Say yes to saying no

Participate in only the activities that lift your spirits and give you energy. If the friend who never has a good word to say wants to gobble up your Sunday afternoon, reply, ”I have an obligation then.” This happens to be true…you are obligated to take special care of yourself!

To honor Dr. King, lift your voice, even if it is only in the car/shower and raise your heart in tribute to “Abraham, Martin and John.”

My favorite line in the song is, “Didn’t you love the things that they stood for. Didn’t they try to find some good for you and me.”

What moves me most about Dr. King, Lincoln, JFK and others, (I’d add, RFK, Paul Wellstone, Mitch Schneider, Nelson Mandela, Desmond Tutu…even Oprah) is not that they fit some perfect model of virtue or selflessness. Let’s face it, they don’t.

What each of these humans have done is face their fears, raise their voices and to live their lives consciously.

Goodness knows, Rosa Parks didn’t plan to become an icon. She said,”In fact if I had let myself think too deeply about what might happen to me I might have gotten off the bus.”

Just think about the moments in your own life when you faced a fear (or simply ignored one) and lived fully in that moment.

People ask me why I walked across America. How could I give up 9 months of my life and comfort like that? (See more on that story here) Each time, I say the same thing I will bet most of the people who took that journey with me would say…and the same thing Dr. King might have said about why he devoted his life to freedom, and authenticity.

At the risk of very bad grammar, I couldn’t NOT do it.

Now, my personal commitment was nothing in comparison to the sacrifices Dr. King and so many other heroes of reason and wisdom have made. But I don’t think each of us needs to be a legend in order to make the world a better place.

You can do it, this minute, by simply adding to the sum total of human happiness.

Tell me. What does your Life Script, your mission, your potential, compel you to do?

If you don’t know what your mission is, email me and I’ll help you identify it. If you think you don’t have one, think again. You are living it, right now. Are you happy with that?

If not, try this quick tool to get started on learning what you mission really is:

Think of a virtue that is meaningful to you. Check this  list of possibilities adapted from Virtue Science.

I’d add my personal favorite: compassionate intolerance.

Now, choose two that really resonate for you. Imagine that your name has been replaced with each virtue. For instance, I’d be perfectly happy to be named Honor, or Authenticity. (Frankly, I’m surprised some rock star mom hasn’t chosen that last one.)

Once you are comfortable with the virtue, endeavor to live it every day…even when the odds seem stacked against you…even when your dream seems more ‘pipe’ than achievable…even when your feet are sore. In this way, you will be living your mission, much like “Abraham, Martin and John.”

This quote, tweeted by Tony Robbins yesterday, is so appropriate on the day that we honor Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

It is true that the challenge to see our selves in our opponents is our greatest and richest opportunity. If we can learn to love “them,” perhaps we can learn to love ourselves. In so doing, we remove the finger from the triggers in our society, by removing them in our hearts.

Why is it so easy to be ‘triggered’ into fear and anger over what other people say?

I call it the “Purple Spots Syndrome.”

For example, if some ‘crazy’ person walked up to you on the street and cried out, “You have purple spots!!” what would you think?

As you sidle cautiously away, would you be taking the comment seriously?

Probably not.

BUT, if someone told you that you are funny looking, or that dress really does make you look fat, or that you can’t succeed because of your race, creed, sex, or orientation, you might let it get stuck in your craw.

Why is that?

The fact is, no one can get under your skin, that isn’t already there. You couldn’t be irate with someone who seeks to insult you, if you didn’t, on some very deep (possibly unconscious) level, agree with the insult. The deeper (and less conscious) your fear that something might actually be true, the harder it is to forgive the slight.

The solution is to know the truth about yourself and to honor who you are enough to let go of the need to control the thoughts of others.

Mark Twain said it best, “Your opinion of me is none of my business.”

Like Mr. Twain, I want to ask, “Why would you let the words of another hurt you?”

Now, please understand that I’m not suggesting that we condone or ignore language that incites violence or oppression. What I am saying is that, on a day-to-day basis, in our relatively privileged lives, we have the capacity to stop negativity and bullying before it spreads.

Where are the opportunities to let go of, and therefore extinguish, the negativity in your life?
What can your enemy teach you about your feelings for yourself?
Are you aware of the ways in which you train people to treat you?

The clues to the answers to these questions lie in the “results” in your life. The things you believe you can’t let go of…the annoying and destructive patterns that repeat…the fears, anxieties and disappointments that stand in your way.

If you have trouble identifying what you have stuck in your craw and why, call me at 866.821.9396 or visit me here to set up a consultation. I’ve been honored to help.

In the meanwhile, here is a lovely tribute to Martin Luther King, Jr. and others who sought to teach the values of tolerance and personal responsibility. Dion’s song “Abraham, Martin and John” is one of my all-time favorites.