Well, it turns out that it doesn’t have to be one

OR the other. You really can have a satisfying relationship with your money.

Doesn’t it seem as if EVERYONE struggles with money?

I’ve spent the last 10 years trying to figure out why and, finally, there is an anwer!

If you have ever heard yourself say any of the negative Money Script phrases above, I hope you will join me for perhaps the most important, intensive workshop you will ever take.

This program is not about budgeting or investing…it IS about creating a money mindset that reduces stress, improves confidence and creates true and lasting wealth.

Money is essential to our day-to-day survival, but why is it THE most painfully charged issues in our lives. Whether you fear never having enough, or you struggle with managing what you have (or don’t have), now is the time to get the tools you need to build a great life with your money.

Space is limited to 10 seats.

Secure your spot today!

We’ll meet May 13, 6-9pm & May 14, 9am-4pm.

Near Eastern Market, Washington, DC

Email me or call 866.821.9386 to receive your registration form with  your pre-work exercises and directions.

Tuition includes 10 hours of instruction,learning materials and light snacks.

Singles – $425  10% discount for cash  ($383)

Couples – $725 10% discount for cash  ($653)

The 10% discount will apply paid registrations received before April 30.

If you need accommodation in the area, I can steer you to, or away from, the local options..

Couples who have taken this workshop will be eligible for an extension seminar focusing on communications, connectedness and conflict resolution.

Join us and find freedom from financial strife!

The truth is, you might be!

Miscommunication can send you down a long and dusty road

We make assumptions all the time about how others see the world. Sometimes we take for granted that their world view is the same as ours. Sometimes, we even use vague communication to create

the wedge of ‘differentness’ to keep people at a safe distance. That one is usually unconscious, and can be a huge block to intimacy and belonging. More often than not, we resist saying what we really mean because we want to avoid conflict.

What’s that about?

Behavior scientists call these bad habits of communication, The Abilene Paradox. It’s based on a parable by Dr. Jerry B. Harvey about a family who take a trip to some pretty frustrating places, simply because no one was willing to say what they really meant.

After the disastrous, 104 mile journey one person sarcastically snorted, “It was a great trip wasn’t it.” To which the others replied:

• To tell the truth, I really didn’t enjoy it much. I wouldn’t have gone at all if you hadn’t pressured me into it.
• I didn’t pressure you. I was happy here. I only went because you all wanted to go.
• You were the ones who wanted to go. I just wanted to make you happy.
• I never wanted to go to Abilene. I just thought you might be bored sitting at home with the rest of us.

I’ve seen this kind of buried meaning crop up in nearly every relationship I have observed. In fact, I would be amazed if you didn’t recognize at least one of those comments as something you have said.

What is the solution?

• Identify the common communication tools that consistently cause aggravation,
• Recognize that they are habits of thought that can be changed,
• Then do what it takes to change them!

To be honest, it’s really tough to uncover your verbal tools on your own. Look for instances where you say ‘always, never, I knew it, you people, I always say, you just don’t understand.’

(I love how Stephen Covey says in 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, “You don’t understand” actually means “You aren’t doing what I want you to do.” )

If you’d like some help figuring out how your communication is getting skewed, give me a call. (866.821.9386, or drop me an email)

Helping you get what you want, through what you say, is my specialty!

I hope you are staying cozy during this challenging winter, and I would love to hear from you!

Sharee Lawler, of the Hill is Home blog, did a really nice story about my pet coaching business back in February. As we chatted, a few phrases such as penguin wrangler and 3.742 miles, piqued her interest.

A couple of weeks ago, she rang again with a request for another interview to learn how my experience on The Great Peace March for Global Nuclear Disarmament shaped my life and my work as a life coach and counselor. Now, I am ALWAYS glad to talk about the March, but I was especially eager to chat with Sharee. I knew that her sensitivity and talent would create something lovely out of the thousands of stories and very strong emotions that fateful journey bring up in me.

The resulting post is even better than I could have imagined.

When people ask me about it in the future, I may just point them to that link. I sincerely hope you enjoy it.

We had a LOT of meetings!

If you would ever like to have a cup of tea and hear more about what it was like to see this amazing country of ours, one step at a time, drop me a line. The stories are heart-warming and hair-raising.

It was a classic Hero’s Journey, that made you feel like you lived a week in every single day. But I won’t kid you. Those of us who worked to move an entire city, over every kind of terrain you can imagine, loved what we did…AND…we ended up describing the effort using a slight variation on that famous, old Army motto:

It’s not just an adventure, it’s a JOB!

I hope to never work that hard, or have that much responsibility, ever again.

At the same time, I DO hope to be that committed and that willful in everything I do.

The March taught me what it means to be me…free from the restrictions of emotional limitation and pessimism.

Of course, we are all shaped by our experiences, of course. And, believe it or not, walking across America isn’t even the most dramatic of mine. But, I know in my bones that letting go of who I was and giving in to the March experience, helped me to develop the tenacity and empathy that  drive my work now.

Because of it, I know with great certainty that no matter where you are, geographically or emotionally, you CAN move. You ARE free to choose how you feel in any given moment. And I am as honored to guide you on YOUR journey as I was to clear the path for my beloved March family.

If you need help getting from here to wherever your ‘there’ is, I’d love to help. And I won’t even make you pitch a tent!

My personal Mt. Everest…the fear I have had the most difficulty managing is…needles.

So, in celebration of my 50th birthday (the 18th), I’m doing something that will seem like nothing to most people, but it is hands down the thing most requiring courage on my part. Ever. And this is saying something.

I am giving blood.

Up until now, I could never have imagined volunteering to take this step. My lifelong, clinical phobia of needles is one of the last bastions of fear in my life. It goes far beyond ‘not liking’ shots, all the way into completely irrational responses.

But now, I am putting into place the tools that any of us (yes, this means YOU) can use to overcome, manage or even come to peace with fear. Get the tools below.

1. Get in touch with what you really feel about the object of your fear

It took some work, but I was eventually able to identify a belief that submitting to medical procedures involving needles made me feel as though something was being forcibly taken from me, and that I was powerless to control my reactions. I discovered that the fear isn’t so much about the lifeless needle, which can’t actually hurt me, but the outcome. That understanding really helped me to shift my perspective to the thing I really CAN do something about.

You can face your fears, one step at a time

2. Understand that even irrational fears, those that you can’t ‘think’ your way through, can be managed

A big part of this tool is changing the ways in which you judge yourself for the fear. In other words, you don’t have to feel bad about feeling bad!

3. Look at what the fear costs you

Does it make sense to carry a burden that drains your energy and limits your ability to enjoy your life? What has your fear caused you to miss? Don’t regret it…but decide to make whatever change is required.

I used to joke that my needle phobia was a good thing because it ensured that I would never be a ‘junkie.’ While that may be true, it DID cost me by making every medical experience of my life more traumatic than it needed to be. And, more than anything, it cost me my pride.

4. Identify the story you tell yourself about your fear and change it

This tool is especially true for object-oriented fears, like bridges, spiders and, well…needles.

Once you understand what your story does for you, you can rewrite the script that has locked the belief in place.

I’m shifting my story from what has been taken from me to what I choose to give.  There is great power in that, don’t you think?

5. Get support

It is liberating to speak your fear out loud. The more honest about it you are with yourself and others, the less power it can have over you. The light of understanding and the warmth of acceptance can heal many, many things.

I am SO blessed, that when I told people about my plan to face my needle fear, dear friends stepped up in ways I could not have imagined. Marilyn Adams, of Capitol Hill Acupuncture, gave me a special treatment to balance my body. Jay Keegan, of Monkey’s Uncle, volunteered to go with me to the blood drive and shared his vast experience as a donor. People far and wide have sent me good wishes.

Being open has turned a stressful thing into a great gift.

6. Choose tools to give you courage

Music, affirmations, meditation, distraction, all of these can help you get through a difficult time.

Tomorrow, I’m taking a picture of my dog…for whom I would do anything…I’ll be wearing comfortable clothes that remind me of people who care about me…and I’m reminding myself that I can do ANYTHING for 20 minutes!

One of my clients’ favorite tools is a thought replacement phrase: “If you are not actually on FIRE, you are probably okay in any given moment.”  Believe me, I’ll be saying that to myself a lot tomorrow morning!

7. See it. Be it.

Ask yourself, what would it be like if this was totally okay? And then really use your imagination. Think deeply about it. What do you WANT your life without the fear to look like.

If you really can’t imagine being without the fear, look at the lives of others who live without it. How do they cope? Claim it. Repeat the image in you mind more often then you are willing to dwell on the fear, and soon, one will replace the other!

A toleration is anything that gets in the way of your very best life. If it drains you, wears you out, dances on your last nerve or makes you sad over and over again, it’s a toleration. Use this 5 step plan to eliminate it!

1) Join me in being ‘compassionately intolerant’ of your discomforts and disasters.

Understand that we are all doing the best we can at any given moment, but you have an opportunity, right now, to compassionately let go of what doesn’t work. If you are putting up with, or sometimes creating, obstacles on your path to satisfaction, the only time you have to eliminate them is RIGHT NOW. Remember, ‘then’ is not your friend. You can’t fix what happened back then and putting off your happiness for if/then to be happy, just isn’t going to work. It isn’t okay to be in dismay as a regular thing!

2) Discover what brings you down…and what it actually does for you.

Where ever your energy flows, your life goes. If you are staring at your troubles more than you are looking forward to achieving your goals, that’s an imbalance that needs to be rectified. But first, figure out what you are getting from your struggles. Is fear of failure, or worse, fear of success making your tolerations too attractive? Do what it takes to make satisfaction feel safer than sadness does.

It may feel like it, but you are not actually trapped by anything in your life!

Learn more after the jump.

3) Be true to your values.

Too often, we give up our values in exchange for situations that we think we SHOULD have in our lives. Unfortunately, if you aren’t clear about what drives your choices, it’s difficult to make the best ones. Don’t tolerate being confused about who you are.

4) Throw good money after bad tolerations.

If you are seeing the same problems over and over again: career dissatisfaction, a broken down environment, a messy work space, a closet full of clothes that don’t fit and don’t feel good on you, unresolved relationships/debts/promises, that door handle that makes entering a room a bother…or anything else that makes you groan.

5) If you don’t have a list of tolerations to tackle, think deeply and listen to your Life Script.

What do you say over and over again about your life? To get clarity, it may take an outside observer to help you notice and evaluate those habits. Turns out, I’m really, really good at helping with that. Give me a call!

Spring is the perfect time to eliminate tolerations. Make a commitment, right now, to eliminate even ONE. If you are fearful, start small. If you are ready, tackle the biggest, more draining bother. You’ll be relieved and glad that you did.

To honor Dr. King, lift your voice, even if it is only in the car/shower and raise your heart in tribute to “Abraham, Martin and John.”

My favorite line in the song is, “Didn’t you love the things that they stood for. Didn’t they try to find some good for you and me.”

What moves me most about Dr. King, Lincoln, JFK and others, (I’d add, RFK, Paul Wellstone, Mitch Schneider, Nelson Mandela, Desmond Tutu…even Oprah) is not that they fit some perfect model of virtue or selflessness. Let’s face it, they don’t.

What each of these humans have done is face their fears, raise their voices and to live their lives consciously.

Goodness knows, Rosa Parks didn’t plan to become an icon. She said,”In fact if I had let myself think too deeply about what might happen to me I might have gotten off the bus.”

Just think about the moments in your own life when you faced a fear (or simply ignored one) and lived fully in that moment.

People ask me why I walked across America. How could I give up 9 months of my life and comfort like that? (See more on that story here) Each time, I say the same thing I will bet most of the people who took that journey with me would say…and the same thing Dr. King might have said about why he devoted his life to freedom, and authenticity.

At the risk of very bad grammar, I couldn’t NOT do it.

Now, my personal commitment was nothing in comparison to the sacrifices Dr. King and so many other heroes of reason and wisdom have made. But I don’t think each of us needs to be a legend in order to make the world a better place.

You can do it, this minute, by simply adding to the sum total of human happiness.

Tell me. What does your Life Script, your mission, your potential, compel you to do?

If you don’t know what your mission is, email me and I’ll help you identify it. If you think you don’t have one, think again. You are living it, right now. Are you happy with that?

If not, try this quick tool to get started on learning what you mission really is:

Think of a virtue that is meaningful to you. Check this  list of possibilities adapted from Virtue Science.

I’d add my personal favorite: compassionate intolerance.

Now, choose two that really resonate for you. Imagine that your name has been replaced with each virtue. For instance, I’d be perfectly happy to be named Honor, or Authenticity. (Frankly, I’m surprised some rock star mom hasn’t chosen that last one.)

Once you are comfortable with the virtue, endeavor to live it every day…even when the odds seem stacked against you…even when your dream seems more ‘pipe’ than achievable…even when your feet are sore. In this way, you will be living your mission, much like “Abraham, Martin and John.”

This quote, tweeted by Tony Robbins yesterday, is so appropriate on the day that we honor Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

It is true that the challenge to see our selves in our opponents is our greatest and richest opportunity. If we can learn to love “them,” perhaps we can learn to love ourselves. In so doing, we remove the finger from the triggers in our society, by removing them in our hearts.

Why is it so easy to be ‘triggered’ into fear and anger over what other people say?

I call it the “Purple Spots Syndrome.”

For example, if some ‘crazy’ person walked up to you on the street and cried out, “You have purple spots!!” what would you think?

As you sidle cautiously away, would you be taking the comment seriously?

Probably not.

BUT, if someone told you that you are funny looking, or that dress really does make you look fat, or that you can’t succeed because of your race, creed, sex, or orientation, you might let it get stuck in your craw.

Why is that?

The fact is, no one can get under your skin, that isn’t already there. You couldn’t be irate with someone who seeks to insult you, if you didn’t, on some very deep (possibly unconscious) level, agree with the insult. The deeper (and less conscious) your fear that something might actually be true, the harder it is to forgive the slight.

The solution is to know the truth about yourself and to honor who you are enough to let go of the need to control the thoughts of others.

Mark Twain said it best, “Your opinion of me is none of my business.”

Like Mr. Twain, I want to ask, “Why would you let the words of another hurt you?”

Now, please understand that I’m not suggesting that we condone or ignore language that incites violence or oppression. What I am saying is that, on a day-to-day basis, in our relatively privileged lives, we have the capacity to stop negativity and bullying before it spreads.

Where are the opportunities to let go of, and therefore extinguish, the negativity in your life?
What can your enemy teach you about your feelings for yourself?
Are you aware of the ways in which you train people to treat you?

The clues to the answers to these questions lie in the “results” in your life. The things you believe you can’t let go of…the annoying and destructive patterns that repeat…the fears, anxieties and disappointments that stand in your way.

If you have trouble identifying what you have stuck in your craw and why, call me at 866.821.9396 or visit me here to set up a consultation. I’ve been honored to help.

In the meanwhile, here is a lovely tribute to Martin Luther King, Jr. and others who sought to teach the values of tolerance and personal responsibility. Dion’s song “Abraham, Martin and John” is one of my all-time favorites.

It’s that time again. When folks make promises to themselves about what they are going to improve in the new year.

They generally do so with grim determination and self-criticism. Have you  ever met anyone joyful about their resolutions? I can’t say that I have. (except for myself, of course!)

Why do you think the average resolution lasts for roughly 3.7 weeks?

Can you see the problem with these resolutions? Read on!

Is it because the average resolution-maker is a weak-willed, failure?
Here’s a hint — NO IT’S NOT! Like any life decision that is based on external expectations, resolutions usually go by the wayside because  they are not supported by a strong foundation of understanding, or a  coherent plan of action.

It’s all fine and good to vow that you will quit swearing, to make friends with the gym, or that you will “be nicer.”
What I want to know is…HOW?

There are very specific reasons why you have your current, limiting habits of thought and behavior. On some  level, they work for you. Not in the ‘gee, I’d like more of this’ way, but in the ‘this is familiar and, frankly I  don’t know how to do it differently’ way. Those reasons are subconscious and tend to stick much harder than  good intentions.

Do you know why your habits work for you, or how to shift them to get the outcomes you desire? I’m going to have to guess that the answer is no, or you’d have done it already!

Forget about “I’ve tried and nothing has worked!” That just means whatever method you used was not right for  you. And frankly, simply thinking about the problem is useless. Keep exploring different options!

First, let’s acknowledge that getting to this point in your life is a major accomplishment and, in many ways, it  speaks to how strong and resourceful you are. It takes a great deal of energy to hold onto habits that hurt you!
Just think how drained you feel getting the same old result.

Second, resolve that you will develop a clear understanding of what you actually want. This is the greatest  mystery for most people. Which is pretty sad considering, as you know, if you don’t have a map, it’s tough to get anywhere. If you keep doing what you’ve done, you will stay exactly where you are.

Third, do yourself a favor, make sure that your plan is positive, measurable and specific. Without these elements, the change you desire is unlikely to work. Discover ways to enjoy accomplishing your goals.

If you need help figuring out how to design an engaging and encouraging plan that really works, give me a call for a consultation. And lastly, promise me that you will spend more time appreciating what is great about yourself and your life…and that you will do what it takes to make it even better.

Start right now by leaving a comment with a commitment for just one, Positive, Measurable and Specific change you are excited to make in 2010. You just might find yourself in a future post!