Well, it turns out that it doesn’t have to be one

OR the other. You really can have a satisfying relationship with your money.

Doesn’t it seem as if EVERYONE struggles with money?

I’ve spent the last 10 years trying to figure out why and, finally, there is an anwer!

If you have ever heard yourself say any of the negative Money Script phrases above, I hope you will join me for perhaps the most important, intensive workshop you will ever take.

This program is not about budgeting or investing…it IS about creating a money mindset that reduces stress, improves confidence and creates true and lasting wealth.

Money is essential to our day-to-day survival, but why is it THE most painfully charged issues in our lives. Whether you fear never having enough, or you struggle with managing what you have (or don’t have), now is the time to get the tools you need to build a great life with your money.

Space is limited to 10 seats.

Secure your spot today!

We’ll meet May 13, 6-9pm & May 14, 9am-4pm.

Near Eastern Market, Washington, DC

Email me or call 866.821.9386 to receive your registration form with  your pre-work exercises and directions.

Tuition includes 10 hours of instruction,learning materials and light snacks.

Singles – $425  10% discount for cash  ($383)

Couples – $725 10% discount for cash  ($653)

The 10% discount will apply paid registrations received before April 30.

If you need accommodation in the area, I can steer you to, or away from, the local options..

Couples who have taken this workshop will be eligible for an extension seminar focusing on communications, connectedness and conflict resolution.

Join us and find freedom from financial strife!

Sharee Lawler, of the Hill is Home blog, did a really nice story about my pet coaching business back in February. As we chatted, a few phrases such as penguin wrangler and 3.742 miles, piqued her interest.

A couple of weeks ago, she rang again with a request for another interview to learn how my experience on The Great Peace March for Global Nuclear Disarmament shaped my life and my work as a life coach and counselor. Now, I am ALWAYS glad to talk about the March, but I was especially eager to chat with Sharee. I knew that her sensitivity and talent would create something lovely out of the thousands of stories and very strong emotions that fateful journey bring up in me.

The resulting post is even better than I could have imagined.

When people ask me about it in the future, I may just point them to that link. I sincerely hope you enjoy it.

We had a LOT of meetings!

If you would ever like to have a cup of tea and hear more about what it was like to see this amazing country of ours, one step at a time, drop me a line. The stories are heart-warming and hair-raising.

It was a classic Hero’s Journey, that made you feel like you lived a week in every single day. But I won’t kid you. Those of us who worked to move an entire city, over every kind of terrain you can imagine, loved what we did…AND…we ended up describing the effort using a slight variation on that famous, old Army motto:

It’s not just an adventure, it’s a JOB!

I hope to never work that hard, or have that much responsibility, ever again.

At the same time, I DO hope to be that committed and that willful in everything I do.

The March taught me what it means to be me…free from the restrictions of emotional limitation and pessimism.

Of course, we are all shaped by our experiences, of course. And, believe it or not, walking across America isn’t even the most dramatic of mine. But, I know in my bones that letting go of who I was and giving in to the March experience, helped me to develop the tenacity and empathy that  drive my work now.

Because of it, I know with great certainty that no matter where you are, geographically or emotionally, you CAN move. You ARE free to choose how you feel in any given moment. And I am as honored to guide you on YOUR journey as I was to clear the path for my beloved March family.

If you need help getting from here to wherever your ‘there’ is, I’d love to help. And I won’t even make you pitch a tent!

My personal Mt. Everest…the fear I have had the most difficulty managing is…needles.

So, in celebration of my 50th birthday (the 18th), I’m doing something that will seem like nothing to most people, but it is hands down the thing most requiring courage on my part. Ever. And this is saying something.

I am giving blood.

Up until now, I could never have imagined volunteering to take this step. My lifelong, clinical phobia of needles is one of the last bastions of fear in my life. It goes far beyond ‘not liking’ shots, all the way into completely irrational responses.

But now, I am putting into place the tools that any of us (yes, this means YOU) can use to overcome, manage or even come to peace with fear. Get the tools below.

1. Get in touch with what you really feel about the object of your fear

It took some work, but I was eventually able to identify a belief that submitting to medical procedures involving needles made me feel as though something was being forcibly taken from me, and that I was powerless to control my reactions. I discovered that the fear isn’t so much about the lifeless needle, which can’t actually hurt me, but the outcome. That understanding really helped me to shift my perspective to the thing I really CAN do something about.

You can face your fears, one step at a time

2. Understand that even irrational fears, those that you can’t ‘think’ your way through, can be managed

A big part of this tool is changing the ways in which you judge yourself for the fear. In other words, you don’t have to feel bad about feeling bad!

3. Look at what the fear costs you

Does it make sense to carry a burden that drains your energy and limits your ability to enjoy your life? What has your fear caused you to miss? Don’t regret it…but decide to make whatever change is required.

I used to joke that my needle phobia was a good thing because it ensured that I would never be a ‘junkie.’ While that may be true, it DID cost me by making every medical experience of my life more traumatic than it needed to be. And, more than anything, it cost me my pride.

4. Identify the story you tell yourself about your fear and change it

This tool is especially true for object-oriented fears, like bridges, spiders and, well…needles.

Once you understand what your story does for you, you can rewrite the script that has locked the belief in place.

I’m shifting my story from what has been taken from me to what I choose to give.  There is great power in that, don’t you think?

5. Get support

It is liberating to speak your fear out loud. The more honest about it you are with yourself and others, the less power it can have over you. The light of understanding and the warmth of acceptance can heal many, many things.

I am SO blessed, that when I told people about my plan to face my needle fear, dear friends stepped up in ways I could not have imagined. Marilyn Adams, of Capitol Hill Acupuncture, gave me a special treatment to balance my body. Jay Keegan, of Monkey’s Uncle, volunteered to go with me to the blood drive and shared his vast experience as a donor. People far and wide have sent me good wishes.

Being open has turned a stressful thing into a great gift.

6. Choose tools to give you courage

Music, affirmations, meditation, distraction, all of these can help you get through a difficult time.

Tomorrow, I’m taking a picture of my dog…for whom I would do anything…I’ll be wearing comfortable clothes that remind me of people who care about me…and I’m reminding myself that I can do ANYTHING for 20 minutes!

One of my clients’ favorite tools is a thought replacement phrase: “If you are not actually on FIRE, you are probably okay in any given moment.”  Believe me, I’ll be saying that to myself a lot tomorrow morning!

7. See it. Be it.

Ask yourself, what would it be like if this was totally okay? And then really use your imagination. Think deeply about it. What do you WANT your life without the fear to look like.

If you really can’t imagine being without the fear, look at the lives of others who live without it. How do they cope? Claim it. Repeat the image in you mind more often then you are willing to dwell on the fear, and soon, one will replace the other!

A toleration is anything that gets in the way of your very best life. If it drains you, wears you out, dances on your last nerve or makes you sad over and over again, it’s a toleration. Use this 5 step plan to eliminate it!

1) Join me in being ‘compassionately intolerant’ of your discomforts and disasters.

Understand that we are all doing the best we can at any given moment, but you have an opportunity, right now, to compassionately let go of what doesn’t work. If you are putting up with, or sometimes creating, obstacles on your path to satisfaction, the only time you have to eliminate them is RIGHT NOW. Remember, ‘then’ is not your friend. You can’t fix what happened back then and putting off your happiness for if/then to be happy, just isn’t going to work. It isn’t okay to be in dismay as a regular thing!

2) Discover what brings you down…and what it actually does for you.

Where ever your energy flows, your life goes. If you are staring at your troubles more than you are looking forward to achieving your goals, that’s an imbalance that needs to be rectified. But first, figure out what you are getting from your struggles. Is fear of failure, or worse, fear of success making your tolerations too attractive? Do what it takes to make satisfaction feel safer than sadness does.

It may feel like it, but you are not actually trapped by anything in your life!

Learn more after the jump.

3) Be true to your values.

Too often, we give up our values in exchange for situations that we think we SHOULD have in our lives. Unfortunately, if you aren’t clear about what drives your choices, it’s difficult to make the best ones. Don’t tolerate being confused about who you are.

4) Throw good money after bad tolerations.

If you are seeing the same problems over and over again: career dissatisfaction, a broken down environment, a messy work space, a closet full of clothes that don’t fit and don’t feel good on you, unresolved relationships/debts/promises, that door handle that makes entering a room a bother…or anything else that makes you groan.

5) If you don’t have a list of tolerations to tackle, think deeply and listen to your Life Script.

What do you say over and over again about your life? To get clarity, it may take an outside observer to help you notice and evaluate those habits. Turns out, I’m really, really good at helping with that. Give me a call!

Spring is the perfect time to eliminate tolerations. Make a commitment, right now, to eliminate even ONE. If you are fearful, start small. If you are ready, tackle the biggest, more draining bother. You’ll be relieved and glad that you did.

Today, a dear friend…a good friend…a unique friend…has died.

He has been such a stalwart part of the couple that I have loved more than my own parents…for more than 22 years…I can’t imagine what my life will be like without him.

Two of the most important people in the world, Niki and Gordon.

I know Gordon because, in 1986, I walked from Los Angeles to Washington DC with a group of passionate people championing a cause. It was an amazing experience and, at the end of it, I was overcome with an illness that knocked me off my feet. I recuperated in Gordon’s house, lovingly tended by his wonderful wife Niki. The two of them took me into their hearts and cared for this sickly stranger with the deepest kindness I’d ever known.

Almost two years later, I called Niki from California to talk about my post-divorce life. She wasn’t home. Gordon asked me how I was and, after my brief description…totally out of the blue…he boomed, “Well, you ARE coming to live with us, aren’t you?” It was as if becoming a part of their family was a forgone conclusion.

Six months after that, I crossed the country again, to join the home of Les Heures. That’s what the welcome mat said…French for, “The Laughing Ones.”

And boy did we ever. We laughed. We cried. We tussled over philosophy and choices. We LIVED, and I was safer than I had ever been in my life.

Gordon had a pure, scientific mind. He loved nature, sang in the church choir, was a dab hand at bridge, and read exhaustively. He was responsible for me acquiring my very first library card.

We were incredibly different and he never pretended to understand me. But he was there for me, come what may. More than anything, he was Niki’s husband and champion. He loved her, in his own way, so much that she could be available to those who needed her…I was definitely NOT the only one.

The original idea was that I would live with Niki and Gordon for 6 months. I stayed with them for 7 and half years. We just worked that well together.

They have been with me, on my side and in my corner through every major event of my life. Believe me, there have been some doozies that I would not have navigated half as successfully, if it weren’t for my faithful, caring ’surrogate parents.’

Gordon was 97, and not feeling well at all, but the last time I saw him, he gave me the same strong hug I remember from his younger days. I described it like being hugged by an oak tree. He was so solid. So…himself…so THERE.

In wishing Gordon godspeed, I want to say to him “Tak for Alt.” It’s a phrase I saw on many gravestones when I lived briefly in Denmark.

Mark Nielson PhD, explains it like this:

“In daily conversation Danes do not use the phrase “Tak for alt.” As one Dane; put it, “Those are pretty big words.” While the literal translation is “Thanks for everything,” the meaning is greater. A more accurate translation is “with deep and profound gratitude for the bounty and fullness of life.”

Thank you Gordon. Thank you for everything.

If you aren’t all aglow from spending a satisfying Valentine’s Day yesterday, you are definitely not alone.

Here is how I know; many years before becoming a life coach and counselor, I was a florist.

You might think I would have fond memories of Valentine’s Day, considering that it is the second highest profit day of the year for that industry and, after all, everybody loves love, right?

I only WISH I had fond memories.

I just remember feeling terribly sad for people who felt like they had to behave in ways that did not feel good to them. Their real hearts were not made of shiny red paper, chocolate or jewelry and their hearts just weren’t in it.

But, February 15 was much, much worse. Customers would run in with angry, anxious faces and guilty minds, demanding the impossible. They HAD to have dozens of perfect, long stem red roses, immediately! No other flower would do, because those loathsome roses ‘meant’ love.

Each of them had a story about how they had forgotten the holiday, or somehow underperformed to their partner’s expectations.

There is more about broken hearts and happy endings after the jump.

They said that they were desperate to make up for these failings, but it felt like all they were doing was vainly attempting to cover up what was really going on in their relationships.

Forgetting? This, I never understood. To be honest, I am ashamed to admit that I am the worst birthday keeper I know. No matter how much I care about my loved ones, those dates just don’t stick in my mind. But a corporate holiday like Valentine’s Day? Who could forget it when the paper hearts and chubby cherub decorations go up in the grocery stores and gas stations somewhere around January 5th of each year?

And the commercials! Every retail company, from deodorant makers to tire manufacturers, puts a “If you were a decent, loving person you’d buy this” spin on their advertising. The messages are everywhere! No one can escape that onslaught of expectation.

Now, not wanting to participate? That I could understand.

I felt especially bad for the under-performers. The one’s whose partners weren’t happy with their tokens of love.

Not knowing how to satisfy your partner’s wants and needs usually stems from a lack of information and/or, a lack of interest. Both of these have fairly simple solutions, but it takes courage to find them.

Most importantly, it takes the will to figure out what YOU really want and being willing to communicate that in a way that others can understand. Too many of us have the expectation that anyone who cares for you should just intuitively know what makes you happy. That demand is as doomed to disappointment, as it is unfair.

Were you taught how to be romantic in the real world?

Probably not. We get most of our information about loving, and being loved, from the music, movies & tv, novels, and past experiences…many of which weren’t all that healthy or happy.

In fact, I’m going to bet that you have a Life Script about love, wanting and receiving that, more often than not, left you anxious and disappointed.

Would you be interested in learning how to be satisfied with your love and to be a satisfying partner? Do you believe that you can?

It’s entirely possible, regardless of your status…married (happily or unhappily), coupled, single (happily or unhappily) or searching.

You can learn how to make February 14th, and every other day, Nurtured And Glad Day.

Let’s be clear though, you must WANT to be happy to make this work. You have to be open to doing things differently and to receiving more than you can currently imagine.

Saying, “I’ll know it when I see it,” will not work. You must see it before you can know it.

In my next few posts, we’ll talk about figuring out what you really want, versus what you have been told you should want. You just might be amazed.

In the meanwhile, tell us about your best, or worst, Valentine’s Day below.

To honor Dr. King, lift your voice, even if it is only in the car/shower and raise your heart in tribute to “Abraham, Martin and John.”

My favorite line in the song is, “Didn’t you love the things that they stood for. Didn’t they try to find some good for you and me.”

What moves me most about Dr. King, Lincoln, JFK and others, (I’d add, RFK, Paul Wellstone, Mitch Schneider, Nelson Mandela, Desmond Tutu…even Oprah) is not that they fit some perfect model of virtue or selflessness. Let’s face it, they don’t.

What each of these humans have done is face their fears, raise their voices and to live their lives consciously.

Goodness knows, Rosa Parks didn’t plan to become an icon. She said,”In fact if I had let myself think too deeply about what might happen to me I might have gotten off the bus.”

Just think about the moments in your own life when you faced a fear (or simply ignored one) and lived fully in that moment.

People ask me why I walked across America. How could I give up 9 months of my life and comfort like that? (See more on that story here) Each time, I say the same thing I will bet most of the people who took that journey with me would say…and the same thing Dr. King might have said about why he devoted his life to freedom, and authenticity.

At the risk of very bad grammar, I couldn’t NOT do it.

Now, my personal commitment was nothing in comparison to the sacrifices Dr. King and so many other heroes of reason and wisdom have made. But I don’t think each of us needs to be a legend in order to make the world a better place.

You can do it, this minute, by simply adding to the sum total of human happiness.

Tell me. What does your Life Script, your mission, your potential, compel you to do?

If you don’t know what your mission is, email me and I’ll help you identify it. If you think you don’t have one, think again. You are living it, right now. Are you happy with that?

If not, try this quick tool to get started on learning what you mission really is:

Think of a virtue that is meaningful to you. Check this  list of possibilities adapted from Virtue Science.

I’d add my personal favorite: compassionate intolerance.

Now, choose two that really resonate for you. Imagine that your name has been replaced with each virtue. For instance, I’d be perfectly happy to be named Honor, or Authenticity. (Frankly, I’m surprised some rock star mom hasn’t chosen that last one.)

Once you are comfortable with the virtue, endeavor to live it every day…even when the odds seem stacked against you…even when your dream seems more ‘pipe’ than achievable…even when your feet are sore. In this way, you will be living your mission, much like “Abraham, Martin and John.”